I am not lazy, I am just highly motivated to do nothing.
100+ Best Funny Quotes Mega Quotes & Wishes
Funny Quotes Mega quotes gather warm, thoughtful lines for readers looking for the right words. Copy a favourite or download it as a free image card to share with someone today.
Updated: October 2026
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I do not have gray hair. I have wisdom highlights.
Today I will be as useless as the letter G in lasagna.
If you cannot remember my name, just say chocolate and I will turn around.
My mind is like an internet browser: 19 tabs open, 3 frozen, and I cannot find where the music is coming from.
The fridge is a clear example that what matters is on the inside.
I am writing a book on procrastination. I will start it tomorrow.
I used to jog, but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
Dieting is the only game where you win when you lose.
My bed is my happy place. I do my best thinking about getting out of it tomorrow.
I finally figured out what I want to be when I get older: younger.
The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
I am not running away from my responsibilities. They are just faster than me.
Two things are infinite: the universe and human silliness, and I am not sure about the universe.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
I have not failed. I have just found 10,000 ways that will not work.
Never put off till tomorrow what may be done the day after tomorrow just as well.
Get your snacks first, then you can enjoy the drama as it pleases you.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We will see about that.
I am in shape. Round is a shape.
If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
I am not a complete idiot. Some pieces are missing.
Some people graduate with honors, I am just honored to graduate.
Cleaning with children in the house is like brushing your teeth while eating cookies.
I am multi-talented: I can talk and annoy people at the same time.
I told my suitcases there will be no vacation this year. Now I am dealing with emotional baggage.
I am not overweight. I am just easier to see.
My password is the last eight digits of pi.
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you do not need it.
Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.
I intend to live forever, but I am starting with surviving this group project.
I do not need anger management. I need people to stop making me angry.
The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
I am at the age where happy hour is a nap.
My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch: lunch.
I am not sure how many problems I have, because math is one of them.
If you fall, I will be there. Love, the floor.
I am not ignoring you. I am just on a very long pause.
Dear diet, things just are not going to work out between us. It is not me, it is you.
I run like the Wi-Fi: strong at the start of the house and fading fast by the kitchen.
Monday is proof that weekends are a tease.
Life update: currently holding it all together with one bobby pin.
My brain has so many tabs open that one of them is just playing music from 2014.
If there were a prize for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.
I am not addicted to coffee. We are just in a committed relationship.
The hardest part of a diet is not watching what you eat. It is watching what other people eat.
I am great in bed. I can sleep for days.
My New Year resolution is to stop procrastinating, starting tomorrow.
Exercise? I thought you said extra fries.
I am not bossy. I just know what you should be doing.
My house is clean enough to be healthy and dirty enough to be happy.
I whispered to my coffee, you complete me. It was a latte feelings.
Adulthood is like looking both ways before crossing the street and then getting hit by an airplane.
I do not rise and shine. I caffeinate and hope.
I am at an age where my back goes out more than I do.
Silence is golden. Unless you have kids, then silence is suspicious.
I need a six-month holiday, twice a year.
The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
My bed and I are in a serious relationship. The alarm clock is just jealous.